


hit it anyway despite the impracticality

by orphan_account



Category: Askewniverse, Clerks. (1994)
Genre: Cunnilingus, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Smut, Trans Male Character, Vaginal Sex, convoluted kevin smith dialogue, randal is trans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-18 19:33:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28872366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "Dante Hicks, are you trying to get me to fuck you by telling me about your childhood hobbies?"
Relationships: Randall Graves/Dante Hicks
Kudos: 11





	hit it anyway despite the impracticality

**Author's Note:**

> this is uh, not good but i dont care, it's done! all about accomplishment, baby. title from "knockout" by yung gravy.

Dante looked up and quickly looked back down as he heard the shop door open. "No."

"Why? What'd I do?"

"I'm still mad at you."

Randal sighed as he leaned back against the counter and crossed his arms. "Would you get over it? It's been two days."

"And I only finished cleaning the place an hour ago! I'm not even supposed to be here today, I had to come in to clean up because of you!" Dante exclaimed, dropping his magazine on the counter. "Could you please tell me what exactly was going through your mind when you let that tweaker in here over night?"

"He said he was gonna use the bathroom and leave. How was I supposed to know he would wreck the place?"

"Randal, have a little common sense!"

"Is it such a crime to trust people?"

"You gave him the keys!"

"To lock up!" Randal gave Dante that condescending look he was so fond of slapping on his face when he was about to take the philosophical high ground. "See, that's what your problem is. You don't - nay, can't trust people. Some traumatized part of your brain won't let you."

Dante rolled his eyes. "Well, it's a blessing. If I had been here, maybe that lack of trust would've saved me having to clean the back of the dairy case." 

"But you'd have one less story to tell," Randal slipped behind the counter and hopped up to sit on it, with all the grace of a cat about to knock something over.

It was a scorching day in Jersey. Another blessing for Dante as the heat-to-customer ratio always worked in his favor. He had every manner of tiny electric fan pointed at him behind the counter so the entire front half of the store was shrouded in white noise so loud the TV in the corner was barely audible. Despite this, Randal managed to pay attention to it like his life depended on the score of this minor league baseball game. In his trance, Randal removed the flannel over his black T-shirt, and Dante swallowed as he watched his bicep flex with the effort of it.

"Y'know, sometimes I think you can't function without engaging with something." Dante said.

"Oh, yeah?" Randal smirked back at Dante. "Why's that?"

"I don't know. You're always watching TV or reading a magazine or listening to music. I once saw you reading a book at a party."

"Huh," Randal looked back to the TV. "I guess I gotta put thoughts in my head before it can come up with any on it's own."

"Kinda sad."

"Not really. It's just that I might get horny."

"Horny?" Dante scoffed. "How? You're watching baseball."

"Doesn't baseball make you horny?"

"What? No!"

"It makes me horny. All those seasoned professionals running around in tight pants. And the grunting, sweaty dudes," The TV switched to a clip of one of the players dripping sweat sitting on the bench, and Randal smirked. "Don't even get me started."

"I can't believe what I'm hearing. Randal Graves gets turned on by minor league baseball?"

"I'll settle for major league too, but yeah, minor league is what I like."

Dante was quiet for a moment, debating whether or not to push this. But really, what were the chances of a customer coming in in the next fifteen minutes, half-an-hour tops? 

"Y'know, I was in little league as a kid."

"Dante Hicks, are you trying to get me to fuck you by telling me about your childhood hobbies?"

"Nobody's been in in an hour."

"...Yeah, alright."

\---

Randal sat on the floor, spread eagle as Dante kissed up his thighs. You wouldn't know it, but Dante was big on foreplay. Randal, not so much.

"Any time now, man."

"Would you have a little patience? You're one of the least romantic people I've ever fucked, you know."

"You're about to eat me out behind the counter in a convenience store, I think the time for romance has passed." Randal moved his hand to rest on Dante's head. Not a push, but certainly an encouragment forward. 

Dante rolled his eyes. "Fine, your highness."

"Damn right." Randal's eyes fluttered shut as Dante's tongue swiped over his pussy, resting his tongue at his clit. Dante felt Randal's grip on his hair tighten and smirked. His ex-lovers could say what they will, the delicate art of cunnilingus came naturally to him and he knew it.

Or at least he thought. Randal sighed above him. Dante ignored it and continued his ministrations. Randal sighed again.

Dante paused and looked up indignantly. "Can I help you?"

"When are you gonna fuck me on the counter?"

Dante sat up in surprise. "What?"

"I said, when are you gonna fuck me on the counter?" Randal's tone was surprisingly even for the state he was in. "We've got the whole store to ourselves and just once, I'd like for you to toss everything aside, throw me passionately on the counter, and take me like the stallion takes the mare."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You said you wanted romance."

Dante sighed and stood up with a groan. "Okay, but no promises about throwing everything aside. I just put these displays back up this morning."

Randal did not get up. He crossed his arms and looked up at Dante, smirking. "Nope. Throw everything aside and toss me on the counter, or no dice."

Dante furrowed his brows. "You're kidding me. Randal, I am not gonna destroy my workplace to fulfill your porn fantasy."

"Then I guess you're gonna be stuck with blue balls," Randal dragged a hand down his body, stopping to rub a fingertip over his clit. "No skin off my ass."

Dante gulped as his gaze fell to Randal's dripping pussy, his legs spread so far apart he could see his slit twitching, desperately needing something to fill it. 

He glanced back to the counter and sighed again. Tentatively, and without the gusto Randal was probably expecting, Dante used his forearm to drag all the gum displays and pens to the end of the counter. The pile fell to the ground with a loud clatter, making him wince.

He looked back to Randal, who was smiling in a very self-satisfied fashion. "Okay. Bend over the counter."

"Nope," Randal repeated, eyes beckoning. "Make me."

Dante groaned in frustration and, in a very unromantic way, bent down and picked Randal up, struggling to support the weight of him. Maybe he did need to work out. 

After awkwardly placing Randal atop the counter, Dante paused a moment to catch his breath. "Okay. Satisfied?"

"Yeah, I think I've been sufficiently wooed," Randal wrapped his legs around Dante's waist to pull him closer. "Now finish what you started, big guy."

Didn't need to tell him twice. Dante quickly undid his belt, acutely aware of Randal's impatient gaze. To his relief, that gaze quickly softened when Dante freed his painfully hard dick. Randal's knees squeezed around his hips, beckoning him closer. As he took a step forward, the tip of his cock ghosted over Randal's pussy, making Randal shudder. Dante had planned to tease him a little more, but that shudder flicked a switch in his brain.

Dante leaned forward to kiss Randal and firmly gripped his hips on either side, making Randal jump a little with the suddenness of it. He tested the waters a little, rubbing his cock against Randal's twitching pink. His enthusiastic pushes forward were all the confirmation Dante needed to plunge deep into him, roughly shoving in his entire length. Randal gasped and moaned, reaching around to grip on to the back of Dante's sweater. 

"You okay?" Dante mumbled, glancing up to meet Randal's shaky gaze.

Randal breathed a laugh. "Don't flatter yourself."

Dante sighed, but before he could think of some kind of witty retort, Randal tightened around him and they both let out a low groan. _Enough fucking around_ , Dante thought. _...In a metaphorical sense, anyway_.

He planted a hand on the counter on either side of Randal and began fucking him in earnest, their hips slapping together with every thrust. A poetic mixture of swears and moans and _god don't stop_ and _Dante please_ began streaming from Randal. As much as Dante would like to have enjoyed this rare moment of vulnerability from him, he was focusing pretty fucking hard on not blowing his load every other thrust. The rhythm he had set was getting more and more uneven as Dante did his best to make this last. The slick pull of his friend's pussy was driving him fucking crazy, he just wanted to live in that warm, wet heat. Dante couldn't even take a second to realize what a batshit crazy thing that was to think because next thing he knew, Randal was arching his back and panting and making strangled sort of noises beneath him. 

Dante buckled down and grabbed Randal by the hips, pulling him down into his cock and slamming into him to bring him to the edge. Suddenly it all came to a head and Randal came violently underneath him, shuddering and clenching and crying out a mixture of Dante's name and _fuck_. Dante fucked him through his orgasm, almost in disbelief how _pretty_ his friend looked like this, how ethereal. He didn't have long to appreciate it though as he began to feel his own orgasm coming. He quickly pulled out of Randal and stroked himself to completion, all over Randal's stomach. He heard a _hey what the fuck!_ , but to his dopamine-laced brain, it was the best sound he'd ever heard.

"Hey, numbnuts!" Randal exclaimed, gesturing to the mess all over him. "Go get me a towel."

And just like that, the angelic edge to Randal's voice was gone.

"Give me a s--," Dante stopped dead in his tracks as he heard the same door jingle he'd heard hundreds of times every day for the past four years of his life. "Oh, shit."

"Ay, you guys open-- Whoa, shit!" Jay exclaimed, slapping a hand across Silent Bob's chest.

Silent Bob gaped at them while Jay scream-laughed and Dante felt his heart fall out of his asshole. 

"Get out!" Randal yelled, abruptly standing up and pushing Dante aside so the counter covered them both from the waist down. Their dignity may not be intact, but maybe they could tape it back together.

"Tubby here didn't believe me, but what'd I fuckin' say, man, what'd I say!"

Dante and Randal exploded in unison. "Get the fuck out!"

"Okay, okay! Shit, man, you don't gotta yell at us," Jay turned and opened the door. "Come on, fat man."

Silent Bob paused a moment.

"I'm really happy for you guys."

And the two returned to the outside world, leaving Dante and Randal alone to panic.

Dante gulped. "Maybe they won't tell anyone."

"Are you kidding? We'll be lucky if they weren't _filming_."

Dante sighed. 

"Man. I wasn't even supposed to be here today."


End file.
